At the heart of a good many of our disappointments in life lies what we call regret.
Regret comes from feelings of wasted opportunity. It’s when you feel like you missed out, acted too slowly, or lost the chance to have something better.
Unfortunately once someone has slipped into that feeling of regret, they sit with it. A good amount of people end up carrying all of their regrets to the grave. They allow themselves to concede to whatever it is they have lost, depending on where this happens in their life it becomes a regular way of thinking and they get used to it. They carry it with them and they allow it to weigh on them, it makes them stuck like an anchor.
I’m here to tell you that it does NOT have to be this way.
You do NOT have to be held down by your regret(s).
You can take action on it right this second.
Now, I am not here to tell you regret is bad.
Regret, it itself, is not inherently bad. Regret can be healthy if it serves as a motivation to make what we would consider better decisions for ourselves. What ends up happening for people is they don’t allow themselves to ever consider putting down their regret because they decided they deserve it or that it HAS to be there.
Why would you carry anything for longer than you had to?
You wouldn’t, you would put it down when it was the time and I’m here to tell you that the time is NOW.
Luckily for all of us, unless we are drawing our dying breath, we have the opportunity to make the change we need to go and let go of regret.
To be able to lift the chains of regret, we must first understand regret.
Largely, as children we are unbeknownst to regret. The consequences of our own actions and those around us are small, out of the grasp of our mind, or not taken “seriously” by ourselves.
Thus, very little to no weight is given to the consequences of actions as a child.
Before we go on, I would like to clarify the word “consequences” because this particular word has come to carry a very negative connotation, after all usually when we’re using that word these days it is to serve as a warning. “You actions have consequences” is often presented as an ominous saying that what you (or the hero in the story) are considering doing or have done will have dastardly effects, in other words effects that aren’t immediately visible and are working under the surface to end up wreaking havoc when they finally rear their head.
However, I would like to be very clear that when I use the word “consequence” I am merely referring to the “results” of one’s actions to use a similar word.
Now I say again, very little to no weight is given to the consequences of actions as a child. Therefore, we are untrained to deal with conflict. This is true from birth and can be seen by the infants natural reliance on the parents from birth.
If we are fortunate enough to have things in our early life that trigger/afford us the opportunity to learn what the consequences are and how to properly go through the experience of it, we are more likely to be able to handle regret later in life. It is often these people who are served with regret that are the ones who are able to shrug off everything life throws at them and still become successful despite the things that stood against them.
The largest trees are those who have weathered every storm they have seen. They have been scarred/worn by the weather, but they are strong, still standing, and also and arguably the most important distinction — still growing.
At this point, some of you may be regretting not having these experiences. Well while they make it easier, (and will come in time regardless) these experiences are not necessary.
The only thing necessary to lift regret is a change in mindset.
Changing your mindset away from regret is not easy, due to this, it is far easier and normal to live the whole of your life’s adventure feeling regret.
It is much more unique to live a life without regrets in which you are happy and free of that weight.
Since it is more common to live with a life full of regret, it is also more common for an individual to naturally fall short of their potential.
It is more common to accept what you have and never humor the thought that you don’t have to life with regret. I believe it is very possible that what it falls down to is that, since we begin to understand regrets and consequences as an early adult, we brush them off in such a way that lets us off the hook. “I can always do it in the future.”, “Not today, today was tough and I’m exhausted.”, “There’s always tomorrow.” These are some of the things that we say.
But see, these thoughts are only a feedback loop. For, if we allow ourselves to push things into tomorrow/the future, we can say the same thing over and over again… before you know it it’s been a week.. a month.. a year.. and eventually it it will become too late.
You know what else this does? This allows our regret to build, and as we continue to feed the elephant in the room, or more accurately the elephant in our brain, we trade our ability to deal with regret with the increasing ability to ignore it.
Do not allow your regret to build. Once you find yourself experiencing what you would call regret — acknowledge it, feel it, sit with it for a moment, understand how it came to be, and then use that feeling as fuel to know what you need to do to avoid that feeling in the future.
Now, there are some catalysts for regret that one could consider large or impactful and as such one may consider them more difficult to deal with. This could be negligence that harmed someone somehow, this could be wishing a different life path, this could be caused by others, or an important opportunity with someone you lost. That someone could also be yourself.
This as being a potentially controversial statement, but I would like you to please consider that all regrets are equal and here’s why: because we place regret on ourselves. Yes, that’s right. Regret exists ONLY IN OUR MIND, it is a FIGMENT OF OUR IMAGINATION, it is self-imposed, and we are the criminal/judge/jury as to the living with the affect we decide we deserve.
Some may say “no no, there are larger things. There are definitely things that are hard to handle”. Some may say “I do deserve this, I messed up, it’s tragic and I deserve to be sad I won’t be able to overcome this that easily.” I concede that may be true for yourself and others that think it, but I maintain my stance that they’re all equal and if you can actually come to realize this, then managing your regrets will be easy. The trick, my friends, is FULLY BELIEVING IT.
I would like to reiterate that we don’t want to not experience regret, after all regret is healthy. It would just seem more beneficial to use transmute regret into motivation. The motivation to have a better tomorrow…. because everything you do today, influences what you experience in the future.
As a result, if everything you do today influences what you experience in the future, then ALL YOU HAVE IS THE CURRENT MOMENT– and it is flowing past you like water down a stream.
Once more, because this is a very important and foundational thing to be consciously aware of–
ALL YOU HAVE IS THE CURRENT MOMENT.
If you didn’t consciously know this before, you are now infinitely responsible for your future (if you did know it before you are doubly responsible).
Knowing this now, if you move forward you will be willingly wasting your now, and inhibiting what you could have. You may now continue as you are or you can take control/responsibility, the choice is yours.
Now, should you choose it– control, responsibility, and the road ahead can seem daunting for some (others will become energized). You may take heart in the fact that in today’s present world, despite all of the disheartening things surrounding us currently, there is infinite opportunity (This statement will continue to be true as time progresses because there will ALWAYS be more opportunities than there were yesterday).
Yes, the world may seem bleak and the path may not be clear for everyone, but where there is a will there is a way. In today’s world all you need is discipline, a laptop, and something to pay the bills while you pursue what it is you would like.
10 years ago the opportunities were far less what they are today.
Will you continue on and end up regretting your days when you reflect on your life?
The seconds are flowing by, are you wasting them?
Time is like being in the shower– tomorrow comes from the faucet, yesterday is going down the drain (and is worth about the same), today is what’s flowing across your skin… you think the temperature could be better… do you change it? Probably, and if you do then that’s you taking ACTION IN THE NOW and AFFECTING THE FUTURE.
I have spoken of the early stages of life, but one’s age doesn’t matter when it comes to re-learning regret. Waste is waste and if you are currently living and breathing you still have time ahead of you, how would you like to spend it? Even if you were a 92yr old with four hours to four days of life to live, would you leave these words and still even still leave things unsaid that you wish you did? It doesn’t take any skill to choose a new path for yourself, especially if that path should benefit you in the long run, as you’ve been making decisions your whole life.
You can forgive yourself.
I GIVE YOU PERMISSION TO FORGIVE YOURSELF.
You can move on. If not completely, at least a couple of days a week.
You can have the future you desire, it’s just a matter of getting there.
Some may be able to get this immediately, some may take time to get it, but if you keep it up and practice this method of thinking (which isletting go of regret, repurposing it as fuel, and living in the moment) it will produce positive results on your psyche, your present, and your future. You will see REAL benefits from this shift in mindset.
You can now live without regrets and you can start taking conscious control of your life, don’t waste it.
All the best,
FCP
AFTERWORD
If you are going to begin living without regrets please remember that you are not following the norm. Most people will not be able to understand what you are doing and the change that has come over you. People do not like what they do not understand. People are envious of what they do not have. You are checking both boxes, and they will not like it.
It will be difficult to support you because they do not want to question their own decisions or life path in the process. Because if they agree that being free from regret is a good thing they have to do it to, and they may not want to or feel capable of doing it themselves (misery loves company). People have a heard mentality and people breaking away from the heard or being different scares them because they immediately end up having to consider themselves and most people don’t want to do that, let alone admit their faults, or that they could be doing better.
The advice I would give to those who see how the change in their mindset/lifestyle changes the reactions they receive from other people would be to keep it to yourself. You do not have to announce your changes, if they ask– share away, but if they don’t– keep it to yourself and remain in a harmonious environment.
All the best,
FCP 🙃
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